(no subject)
Jan. 30th, 2007 08:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
queenbookwenchI made fic! This is an episode tag for the most recent episode of BSG. Basically, it grew out of a dissatisfication with the episode resolution, combined with a desire to indulge in a little of my personal fanon.
See, I actually liked this resolution to the love polygon, at least in theory. I could totally buy the idea that, once they were free to be together, Lee and Kara would realize how bad they were for each other on a romantic level, and go back to their respective spouses. That could have totally made sense, except that the writers didn't give us any reason for it to make sense, particularly in the case of Lee and Dee, because they never showed us what worked about their relationship--they do a little bit better with Kara and Sam. The only way I could make sense of Lee and Dee's actions (particularly Lee's) was to invoke a bit of personal fanon, which is this--almost all of the Lee-related aspects of this show, since about mid-season 2, make a lot more sense if you start from the premise that Lee's depression had been building for awhile, and that he never really got over it after "Sacrifice," just hid it better, and as a result, he's still semi-suicidal and more than a little crazy. So, I kind of ran with that, and wrote this little fic, which is also my attempt to get at some of what might be going on in Dee's head. This is unbetaed, although fussed over and tweaked a fair amount by me.
Found Your Writing On My Wall
Fandom: new BSG
Pairing: Lee/Dee (Dee POV), PG-13
Spoilers: through 3.13
Summary: This is what she knows.
Dee studies Lee’s face as he looks up at her with that earnest expression that was one of the many reasons she’d fallen in love with him in the first place. His words echo in the back of her head—I’m in love with you. She thinks he believes it, but what she sees when she looks into his eyes is not love, or at least not only love, but a kind of bottomless need and terror. She remembers the rumors she’d heard earlier, the way Hotdog had babbled anxiously to Racetrack in the corridor, then fell silent as she passed. This is one of those moments when she suddenly knows something, its full weight and force at the front of her mind, that she hasn’t allowed herself to know before. She’s been having a lot of those lately.
This is what she knows: Lee’s not quite right, hasn’t been for a long time. When they’d rushed in to rescue Galactica and Lee had lingered in the CIC as the rest of the ship evacuated, she’d told herself that he was just being a conscientious leader, a good commander. But even then, part of her knew it wasn’t true. If she hadn’t come to drag him away, he would never have gone. And farther back, the confession he’d made to Kara, after his viper crash. Maybe she’s always been about to lose him to a lover far more seductive than Kara ever could be; maybe she’s been worried about the wrong things all along.
Even though she’s still angry with him, that thought makes her breath catch a little. She glances across the bar at Starbuck, and feels a moment of kinship with Sam Anders. They should start a club—Partners of More Than Slightly Deranged Spouses—and meet for coffee or something. They could invite Helo. She chokes a little on the wave of hysterical laughter that’s trying to bubble up inside her throat. This is definitely not a thought she’s sharing with Lee.
She feels him move closer to her, glance away at Starbuck, then lean in for a kiss. His eyes look dark to her—slate gray rather than their usual blue, and all she can think is not quite right, not quite right. She can’t leave him like this. She can’t. She tugs at his hands. “C’mon—let’s go back to our quarters where we can have some privacy.”
Given the amount of alcohol in Lee’s system, she doesn’t expect things to go very far—in fact, she’s counting on it. And sure enough, after some desultory cuddling, Lee falls asleep—arms curled around her, head on her chest. She lies awake, though, staring up into the darkness at the ceiling that isn’t quite visible, and tries to fit all the people they’ve been, just in the last year or so, into some kind of picture, some coherent whole.
Almost before it happens, she feels Lee’s body tense against her and begin to shake, at first minutely, then with greater force. She reaches over to stroke his hair, as she’s done so often in the past, and murmurs, “Ssh, ssh, it’s alright; go back to sleep now.” She has insomnia and he has nightmares—it’s one of the constants of their relationship.
Instead of falling back into sleep, though, he jerks further awake, and buries his face in the hollow between her breasts like he wants to climb into her skin. His tears are soaking into her shirt, and his breath comes in great heaving gasps. She shifts a little and says, “Lee?”, waiting while he tries to calm himself enough to speak. This is the beginning, she thinks.
“I got lost,” he whispers over and over, and then finally, “There’s a blank space where I used to be. I must have been different before, sometime I must have been Lee, but I don’t remember. I can’t feel it.”
“Oh, Lee,” she murmurs. She reaches down to pull the bedcovers over them, then wraps her arms tightly around him, rocking back and forth just a little. “Don’t worry, I’m here with you. I’ll help you remember.”
He sobs again, “Sorry, I’m sorry...don’t deserve you.”
She kisses his hair, and whispers, very tenderly, “No, you don’t.”
“Then why,” his voice cracks, “why are you still here?”
“Because sometimes it’s not about what you deserve or don’t deserve.” Her tone is still so very gentle with him.
He glances up, and the look of almost childlike confusion and heartache in his eyes splinters something deep inside her. “No, I’m sorry, no—I don’t understand.”
“You don’t have to understand, not right now. You just have to trust me. Can you do that?”
He nods a little, into her chest, and then looks up at her for a moment, his face open and pliant before he collapses again, his breath gradually deepening into sleep. Dee lies awake all night, holding onto him while her brain whirs on. She doesn't know what will come of this. It doesn’t matter. She is strong. This is what she does.
See, I actually liked this resolution to the love polygon, at least in theory. I could totally buy the idea that, once they were free to be together, Lee and Kara would realize how bad they were for each other on a romantic level, and go back to their respective spouses. That could have totally made sense, except that the writers didn't give us any reason for it to make sense, particularly in the case of Lee and Dee, because they never showed us what worked about their relationship--they do a little bit better with Kara and Sam. The only way I could make sense of Lee and Dee's actions (particularly Lee's) was to invoke a bit of personal fanon, which is this--almost all of the Lee-related aspects of this show, since about mid-season 2, make a lot more sense if you start from the premise that Lee's depression had been building for awhile, and that he never really got over it after "Sacrifice," just hid it better, and as a result, he's still semi-suicidal and more than a little crazy. So, I kind of ran with that, and wrote this little fic, which is also my attempt to get at some of what might be going on in Dee's head. This is unbetaed, although fussed over and tweaked a fair amount by me.
Found Your Writing On My Wall
Fandom: new BSG
Pairing: Lee/Dee (Dee POV), PG-13
Spoilers: through 3.13
Summary: This is what she knows.
Dee studies Lee’s face as he looks up at her with that earnest expression that was one of the many reasons she’d fallen in love with him in the first place. His words echo in the back of her head—I’m in love with you. She thinks he believes it, but what she sees when she looks into his eyes is not love, or at least not only love, but a kind of bottomless need and terror. She remembers the rumors she’d heard earlier, the way Hotdog had babbled anxiously to Racetrack in the corridor, then fell silent as she passed. This is one of those moments when she suddenly knows something, its full weight and force at the front of her mind, that she hasn’t allowed herself to know before. She’s been having a lot of those lately.
This is what she knows: Lee’s not quite right, hasn’t been for a long time. When they’d rushed in to rescue Galactica and Lee had lingered in the CIC as the rest of the ship evacuated, she’d told herself that he was just being a conscientious leader, a good commander. But even then, part of her knew it wasn’t true. If she hadn’t come to drag him away, he would never have gone. And farther back, the confession he’d made to Kara, after his viper crash. Maybe she’s always been about to lose him to a lover far more seductive than Kara ever could be; maybe she’s been worried about the wrong things all along.
Even though she’s still angry with him, that thought makes her breath catch a little. She glances across the bar at Starbuck, and feels a moment of kinship with Sam Anders. They should start a club—Partners of More Than Slightly Deranged Spouses—and meet for coffee or something. They could invite Helo. She chokes a little on the wave of hysterical laughter that’s trying to bubble up inside her throat. This is definitely not a thought she’s sharing with Lee.
She feels him move closer to her, glance away at Starbuck, then lean in for a kiss. His eyes look dark to her—slate gray rather than their usual blue, and all she can think is not quite right, not quite right. She can’t leave him like this. She can’t. She tugs at his hands. “C’mon—let’s go back to our quarters where we can have some privacy.”
Given the amount of alcohol in Lee’s system, she doesn’t expect things to go very far—in fact, she’s counting on it. And sure enough, after some desultory cuddling, Lee falls asleep—arms curled around her, head on her chest. She lies awake, though, staring up into the darkness at the ceiling that isn’t quite visible, and tries to fit all the people they’ve been, just in the last year or so, into some kind of picture, some coherent whole.
Almost before it happens, she feels Lee’s body tense against her and begin to shake, at first minutely, then with greater force. She reaches over to stroke his hair, as she’s done so often in the past, and murmurs, “Ssh, ssh, it’s alright; go back to sleep now.” She has insomnia and he has nightmares—it’s one of the constants of their relationship.
Instead of falling back into sleep, though, he jerks further awake, and buries his face in the hollow between her breasts like he wants to climb into her skin. His tears are soaking into her shirt, and his breath comes in great heaving gasps. She shifts a little and says, “Lee?”, waiting while he tries to calm himself enough to speak. This is the beginning, she thinks.
“I got lost,” he whispers over and over, and then finally, “There’s a blank space where I used to be. I must have been different before, sometime I must have been Lee, but I don’t remember. I can’t feel it.”
“Oh, Lee,” she murmurs. She reaches down to pull the bedcovers over them, then wraps her arms tightly around him, rocking back and forth just a little. “Don’t worry, I’m here with you. I’ll help you remember.”
He sobs again, “Sorry, I’m sorry...don’t deserve you.”
She kisses his hair, and whispers, very tenderly, “No, you don’t.”
“Then why,” his voice cracks, “why are you still here?”
“Because sometimes it’s not about what you deserve or don’t deserve.” Her tone is still so very gentle with him.
He glances up, and the look of almost childlike confusion and heartache in his eyes splinters something deep inside her. “No, I’m sorry, no—I don’t understand.”
“You don’t have to understand, not right now. You just have to trust me. Can you do that?”
He nods a little, into her chest, and then looks up at her for a moment, his face open and pliant before he collapses again, his breath gradually deepening into sleep. Dee lies awake all night, holding onto him while her brain whirs on. She doesn't know what will come of this. It doesn’t matter. She is strong. This is what she does.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-01-31 02:34 am (UTC)Great job.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-31 02:42 am (UTC)Glad you liked it! I actually think this might have been influenced a little by your new Scott&Ororo&Logan fic--which I loved, BTW, although being the wuss that I am I kept looking for some sort of consolatory moment that just wasn't there. Pure ouch and I think that's what makes it so good--but I'm still a wuss and an h/c junkie. :)
no subject
Date: 2007-01-31 02:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-31 02:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-31 04:14 am (UTC)*is soulless and likes my people to suffer*
no subject
Date: 2007-01-31 04:20 am (UTC)And yea--definitely not a healthy relationship, here...
no subject
Date: 2007-01-31 02:45 am (UTC)Lovely work, and I like the last paragraph--because that's exactly it. Dee IS strong. That is what she does. MWAH.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-31 02:56 am (UTC)I think Dee may have a little bit of a "saving people thing."
no subject
Date: 2007-01-31 03:04 am (UTC)It redeems some of that episode for me (which, if you saw my posts o' rage...heh). That take on Lee sits a lot better with me. I think I'll keep this fanon, if you don't mind sharing? :)
no subject
Date: 2007-01-31 03:13 am (UTC)And yes, I saw the post o'rage. :) I'm glad that it looks like the love polygon will be taking a back burner, at least for awhile, but what annoys me is that this _could_ have made sense. And Lee/Dee so totally could have been really cool and interesting--maybe all those scenes got cut.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-31 03:37 am (UTC)Thank you!
no subject
Date: 2007-01-31 03:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-31 06:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-31 07:35 am (UTC)He sobs again, “Sorry, I’m sorry...don’t deserve you.”
She kisses his hair, and whispers, very tenderly, “No, you don’t.”
“Then why,” his voice cracks, “why are you still here?”
“Because sometimes it’s not about what you deserve or don’t deserve.” Her tone is still so very gentle with him.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-01 03:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-31 01:53 pm (UTC)Keep thinking and writing about Dee; I think she's a good hook into the BSG universe. She sees everything and can fix nothing-always a character to narrate and empathize with.
On my egotistical days she's my Mary-Sue (the character I identify with and see through her eyes most clearly) although Cally is really who I understand the most.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-01 03:00 am (UTC)She sees everything and can fix nothing
That's a great summary of Dee! She's definitely a watcher and a listener, first of all.
I sort of see Dee as a "missed opportunity" character--I know BSG is an ensemble show, but when they started making her character more prominent, they still didn't give us much insight into what makes her tick.
Why Cally? I'm curious.
Lee used to be the character I identified the most with, especially in his days as the poster child for rebellious oldest children; these days, it's probably Gaeta--he's just 100% pure geek.
Roslin is who I want to be when I grew up--well, not the morally ambiguous bits, but the general awesomeness, definitely.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-31 02:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-01 02:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-31 04:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-01 02:14 am (UTC)I want to like Dee, but I feel like we only get tantalizing hints without a real sense of who she is. For as important as she's been in recent episodes, she's a really underwritten character.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-31 08:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-01 03:02 am (UTC)That's good--I like to think that I'm not totally smoking the good crack over here. :)
no subject
Date: 2007-02-01 03:32 pm (UTC)So much of Lee and Dee ended up on the cutting room floor. :( Though alot of their scenes did end up in the DVDs deleted scenes, it's a shame they weren't out there for everyone to see.
Warning! Episode spoiler in my post...
Date: 2007-02-04 10:43 pm (UTC);)
I've been ignoring the love stories as much as possible. What I like best about Dee...She is the only one on the entire show that gives an example of a military officer. She is dedicated to her mission at all times regardless of her personal feelings (like when her husband orders her to rescue his lover/best bud). She does it regardless the risk to her own life. She was truly back to being a military officer then. The Major asked the Lieutenant to save the Captain.
I have always liked her loyalty to Galactica as an entity: living and breathing; also, her loyalty/love for the Adama's in general. I have always thought that her first love was for the Old Man and she took Lee because he was the only Adama ever going to be available.
Re: Warning! Episode spoiler in my post...
Date: 2007-02-09 04:04 am (UTC)And I think you may be right about Dee and the Adamas--that she married Lee expecting him to be more like his father than he actually is.